Why do we have so many unmatched socks? Sam
Him -
String Theory, molecular biology, theoretical mathematics, quantum computing - child’s play compared to the challenge of unmatched socks! For years, I stayed quiet about this problem; too ashamed to bring it up publicly. What strange and embarrassing affliction had entered our otherwise averagely organized home? Other families had their crosses to bear - lice, hand-foot-and-mouth, infestations (rodents, bats, mold, whatever) and more. Ours was to be the emotional and financial strain that comes from chronically unmatched socks. And we were going to suffer silently and privately.
Here's a sampling of what we've endured.
The humiliation of watching our sweet son(s) happily running around the playground in one crisp and stylish Nike elite, and one lose/scrunchy off-brand grey tube sock. Honestly, what chance does a kid have if his parents can’t even match socks? He's done.
The white-hot anger I felt toward your mother as I frantically tried to get ready to coach some 9U baseball game, in some tournament, somewhere, and couldn’t find a matched set of mid-calf Nike socks. My brand and style of choice when entering the arena of competition. How can a team hope to achieve glory under the guidance and tutelage of some headass who can’t match his socks?
The soul-crushing disappointment of the 40 something small business owner who, in his normal morning routine, realizes he will have to wear a pair of his wife’s argyle socks to work. WTS? Who can face the world with their head up and shoulders back like that? Not this guy.
The family budget flash crash that follows the loss of a Stance sock? Don’t get me wrong, I love these socks. They may actually be the perfect sock for any occasion - dress, casual, athletic, they’ve got you covered in mad style and comfort. But they’re expensive; especially when your three sons are losing a sock a week each. It adds up, QUICK! That’s on us, not Stance. They’re built to last! You take care of them, and they’ll take care of you, for a long time. But not in a house with SDD - Sock Disunification Disorder. That’s what I’m calling it. Maybe someday big pharma will create a treatment for it and throw some clout my way.
Recently, I was at a dinner party when someone announced, in an act of incredible bravery, that their house was such a shit show that they couldn’t even get socks matched for their kids. I couldn’t believe it, we weren’t alone. And here was someone brave enough to come forward and speak their truth.
I don’t know what happens to lost socks Sam, and I probably never will. But, if enough of us come forward, and band together, we can tackle this problem. I hope that for future generations unmatched socks will be like the dust bowl or the plague; this terrible thing that happened in the past that you can’t really imagine or understand.
Her -
Well how the @$%! should I know?!
Show of hands please, …anyone else enduring this reoccurring, torturous, phenomenon? This really could be the reason why my husband leaves me! I’ll come home from work one day, all his belongings will be packed and gone, and the Dear John letter left on the kitchen counter will say “Thanks for 25 years of marriage, but I’ve had it with your sock inadequacies, woman.” (I shudder thinking of that day.)
We have, embarrassingly, even tried to implement several “sock systems” over the years:
Sock only laundry loads = waste of time and water.
Folded socks together before being put in the laundry = will not get fully dry if still folded.
Buying all socks of all the same type and color = great idea, but let’s be real.
Everyone clean your own socks = what is this stupid suggestion, some kind of a joke?
None of these ideas work. None. of. them. Once I even had the (great) idea of sewing magnets inside each sock, pair together before washing, and wa-lah! (Only to realize what 25 pairs of “Kelli’s Amazing Magnent-Socks™” would look like stuck to the walls of the metal dryer. Brilliant.)
While we are on the topic, where do the other socks go? The missing socks…the ones that never return? Whatever demon force is taking them surely also finds great delight in the fact that my teenage boys love Stance and Nike Elite socks (really great socks, but quite pricey.) So staring at 6 unmatched high dollar socks is like looking at about $120.00 of sunk cost. Ouch. Sorry, can’t send you to college, son…the socks did us in.
If there is anyone out there who has a solution to this age-old, home-wrecking problem, please reach out…we could really use your help. Until then, we will continue to add to our sad, embarrassing bucket of “unmatchables” sitting alone -in shame- and pray that the marriage is strong enough to survive…fingers crossed.
