What's the most annoying thing about your spouse? Sam

Him -

I could go meta here; the most annoying thing about your mom is that she isn’t annoying at all. Nope, instead, I’m going to double down with two tied-for-first, co-equal, same-nerve-different-day annoyances.

Technophobia - Your mom reacts to all new technology with some blend of fear, mistrust, confusion, ambivalence or disgust. Why buy the 55" SMART TV, when the 30" tube works just fine. Who needs Netflix or Amazon when we can happily watch Little House on The Prairie seasons 1-however-many on the VCR. Gaming ended, if it ever started, for her with Mrs. Pac Man. Wireless technology might as well be wizardry (it kind of is really) and don’t even get her started on AI (see her essay here). I’m still trying to figure out how to bring up cryonics. In this domain, she is very much the yin to my yang, the ketchup to my mustard.

*Somehow Candy Crush and Words With Friends are excluded from this phobia

Worrying - Your mom is the lightweight champion of the world when it comes to worrying. To steal a bit from A Christmas Story, she works in worry the way other artists work in oils or clay. She is a virtuoso, a ninja, a spartan! Don’t misunderstand, I love you boys a ridiculous amount and I worry - a lot. But your mom can generate more worry kilowatts per hour on Saturday night (usually between 10:30 and 11:30) than I can in an entire week. It's like the monsters bottling fear in Monsters Inc..

Why do I find this so annoying? I hate to worry. I do more than my fair share, but even when I do I’m aware of and frustrated by, the uselessness of it. What good does worrying do? Does it shift the outcome in my favor? Are we rewarded for our efforts by karma or the patron saints of parental worrying? Nope, not even a little bit, it just exhausts us.

And, your mom’s worry has a way of making me feel inadequate. Why don’t I worry as much as she does? Why don’t I “lean into it”? Is my worrying gene defective? Is this another parental shortcoming; one that my kids aren’t even aware of or affected by? Honestly, I don’t know, but it worries me. (see what I did there)

Oh, and it gives her hives, so that's extra!

Her -

Wow…this is a dangerous question Sam, one that could spark hours of in-house tension, but I’ll go with it. Sorry honey if you are reading this, because I have not been totally honest with you and my answer will be a complete shock.

But just turn on the windshield wipers, please.

I know you HATE when they rub across the dry windshield, (“it’s ruining the blades!”) and you think you can just do it manually “as needed” while driving down a highway, 70-85 miles an hour. And for the most part, I must admit, this method is fairly effective. It’s a timing issue, I get it. When they go too slow, they are inadequate. When they go too fast they scrape and the sound drives you insane. Finding the perfect pace during an unpredictable St. Louis storm is a crapshoot. It’s ok, we all have those things. But when it comes down to it, babe, it’s simply a safety issue. Both hands on the wheel, I mean …it is raining after all.

For the record, I don't find the other 99% things you do in life even a little annoying…you are a really fun roommate and I luhhhhh you.